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9/23/2004 » Humor | 
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Rhesus pieces
Monkey mayhem arrested in Patiala
Because it’s unacceptable to kill an animal referenced throughout Hindu mythology, miscreant monkeys in New Delhi and Punjab are sent to a monkey jail and locked away behind monkey bars. Oh darling, yeh hai India.
At Baljeet Kaur's house, when the monkey demanded food, it was given cut apples and peeled bananas. Kaur, once bitten by a monkey, said she was happy this monkey was gone.... jailers refer to them by where they were caught: Sanam Monkey or Jalandhar Monkey. "They are so notorious, why should we give them a name?" Atalia said. "They don't listen anyway," added Surinder Singh, who is in charge of the Motibagh zoo. Damn those non-Punjabi-speaking monkeys. Naturally, every jail breeds protesters:
This place angers people such as Maneka Gandhi, an animal-rights activist who is also the daughter-in-law of former Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi. She said monkeys can be rehabilitated, taught in sanctuaries to live in groups and eventually released into the forest. Don’t the protesters know that monkeys are the central front in the war on terror?
[A] local newspaper ran a photograph of the monkey, crouching in front of his captors. The caption proclaimed: "Team of forest and wildlife officials catching a hold of a terrorist monkey." How to generate a book title in the South Asian lit category: 1. Come up with a tropical fruit. You’re done! It’s The Guava Thief. Call Granta and B&N and ship that sucker.
"He used to eat our guavas," said Bhagwanti Devi, a neighbor who was harassed by the monkey... Monkeys are getting ready to have their own summer of ’69. It’s the nuts attacking the nuts:
They have given monkeys an herbal contraceptive mixed in with cashew nuts... Like dogs vs. hyenas, monkeys even have their own anti-monkeys:
... patrols of government buildings by leashed larger primates called langurs. Fortunately, monkeys treat the Indian judiciary with the exact same respect as do all Indians:
Last fall, the Supreme Court even decreed that New Delhi should be monkey-free... But nothing has really worked, not the court order...
A shadowy killer monkey sparked terror in Delhi a couple of years ago:
Some witnesses say the failure to capture the Monkey Man is explained by his ability to make himself invisible. Deepali Kumari, from Noida, said: "It has three buttons on its chest. One makes it turn into a monkey, the second gives it extra strength, the third makes it invisible."
 A friend of mine once noted that the monkey god Hanuman was clearly modeled on Punjabis, because he’s funny, loyal, muscular, hairy, and always spoiling to dish out some whup-ass. And given his vertical leap, he’d make a hell of a baller. I still prefer Vikram Chandra’s take.
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